


I Felt The Same Way

by OhLookMoreFanFiction



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, First Kiss, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, JUST KISS ALREADY, Reunion, Slow Burn, but seriously, can i just be in charge of their futures, otp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-12-31 14:06:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12134103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhLookMoreFanFiction/pseuds/OhLookMoreFanFiction
Summary: SECOND CHAPTER ADDED. Bellamy and Clarke have a really hard time reuniting. It turns out they just need a quiet moment alone. Canon-compliant and honestly just really sweet/angsty. SLOW BURN FOR MY DREAMERS OUT THERE.





	1. The Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SECOND CHAPTER ADDED SINCE ORIGINAL PUBLISH DATE.  
> Bellamy takes a long time to warm up to the idea of Clarke not being dead.

Six years spent with only one other person, and Clarke had become used to things going nice and slow. Madi and her always took walks in the morning. They’d forage for cloudberries and, on lucky days, trap small fowl to roast.

But this morning’s stroll was interrupted. The sky had rumbled. The nightbloods had hid in the trees. And a spacecraft had descended, much smaller than the prisoner ship from a week ago.

And now the air was like glue: thick, milky, and difficult to breathe. Clarke went through the stages of shock and disbelief as she watched Bellamy jump out of the hatch. He was older… thicker… a man. Six years had carved the finishing touches into his body and face. The boyish figure she remembered was gone, and she spent a few seconds grieving his memory before making her move.

She didn’t want to scare him, but she couldn’t hide forever. She intentionally stepped on a twig as she dipped out from behind a burnt pine tree. Bellamy swung around swiftly with precision, leading with a large gun that clicked several times as he turned. But the barrel dropped an inch, then two. He squinted, a couple of his curls sticking to a sweaty forehead.

The gun finally dropped to his side and swung heavily on the shoulder strap. Bellamy pawed at the radio in his belt.

“Raven…” He was out of breath for no reason. “I need you out here,” he gasped.

– CRACKLE – “Wait, what? Bellamy… repeat that?” Clarke could hear Raven on the other end.

“I’m seeing it. It’s out here, Raven. Right in front of me.”

Clarke’s brow furrowed. Wait… did he think she was part of his imagination? He turned away now, raking large fingers through his hair and over his beard. His eyes were down, darting back and forth.

– CRACKLE – “Okay. Just… just stay calm, okay? I’ll be out in thirty seconds,” Raven said flatly, like she was talking someone off of a ledge.

Bellamy shoved the radio into his belt again, rubbing his sweaty palms on his pants. Clarke watched as he took little steps back and forth, audibly trying to regulate his breathing.

She took a breath herself, knowing the only way out was through.

“Bellamy.” Clarke said it quietly and carefully. She wanted to reintroduce her voice. To soothe him. She could see his head twitch toward her.

“SHUT. UP. You just… you shut up,” he said, putting his hand out in front of him to ward off her presence. “You’re not HERE,” he commanded. “You’re NOT real,” he almost shouted. “Just…” he trailed off… “Just STOP.”

Clarke stepped toward him. He was in bad shape. She needed him to hear the annoyance in her voice. Maybe it would jog his memory.

“BELLAMY.” She said it louder and as a statement this time.

He turned quickly, stomping four steps straight toward her. It’s like he wanted to scare the apparition away. He was so close she could see the wrinkles under his eyes. The purple bags in the inner corners.

“You don’t even look like her. You’re a fricking shadow. SO JUST LEAVE.” He looked right into Clarke’s eyes as he seethed through gritted teeth.

“What the hell…” Raven was standing on the hatch stairwell, holding a radio and an oxygen tank.

“Raven!” Clarke said with a breathless smile, looking up at the hatch with sparkling eyes.

Bellamy’s eyes deadened as he watched a ghost run and hug his mechanic. The rest of the day was a blur.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Six days had passed.

The crew marveled at Madi, and Madi marveled at their technology. She also marveled at Bellamy. Straight up told him he was her favorite from Clarke’s stories. How the stories where he hugged Clarke were the ones she asked to be retold the most. And then, how she really wasn’t supposed to tell him that.

Bellamy honestly loved it. He hadn’t seen anyone younger than Harper in six years. Aboard the rocket, he showed Madi how to compost the leftovers from her breakfast. He couldn’t stay away. She was scrappy and spirited like Octavia had been. Clarke had raised her right.

But “Clarke” was a different matter. Oh, they talked. They discussed the reentry pattern the crew finally chose to return to earth. Bellamy showed her the spacecraft’s air filtration system, the flourishing algae farm, the water recycling tanks, and the burnt intercom network Raven salvaged. Clarke explained in detail how the nightblood solution brought her back to life… how she dug her own well for water, how she made it through her first winter, and how she and Madi had pooled their knowledge to survive on a dead planet.

But it was all logistics spoken between strangers. Almost like a United Nations meeting. Both parties wanted peace. Both wanted to work together. But the bond… the unspoken love… it was gone.

Or at least it was for Bellamy. Clarke could see the emptiness in his eyes whenever they met hers. She had spent six whole years calling him without answer, and the hope of his return had never failed her. She had anticipated the return of her friend… her best friend.

And the letdown was crushing. It was like she was contagious. He never came closer than two feet, and when he spoke of her to other people, he never said her name. If someone asked who he was talking about, he’d just nod his head in her direction. She wondered if things would ever be the same.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Two weeks had passed.

On the fifteenth day, Clarke brought a leather pouch of dandelion greens back to camp. They were still wet with dew as she laid them on a log to dry. When she turned to go wake Madi, Bellamy was sitting on a boulder on the other side of the clearing. He nodded his head at her, and she nodded back. Clarke smiled the whole way back to her cave.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Seventeen days had passed.

The prisoner ship sent scouts to take samples from the small lake in the habitable zone. Clarke brought the whole crew into her and Madi’s cave. They all sat fairly motionless, praying no one would find the rocket or the ashes from their fires.

Madi shuffled around, silently offering everyone pheasant jerky she’d dried herself. Bellamy took two pieces and ruffled her hair as she passed. Madi grimaced and smirked, throwing a third piece in his direction. His lip actually crooked into a smile as he stood up to stretch his bulging calves. The smile still stuck in his eyes as he bit into the jerky and looked over at Clarke.

She was cloaked in darkness except for a patch of sun that hit the golden crown of her head. His smile slowly faded as he chewed and stared at her, but he held up the other end of the dried meat and nodded again, as if to tell her it was good. She nodded back.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Seventeen-and-a-half days had passed.

The scouts didn’t leave for the night like Clarke predicted. They camped by the stream right below the cave. They had no choice but to stay hidden until morning. Madi raced around distributing pelts and blankets, giving Bellamy the biggest one.

Bellamy, quite predictably, took first watch. He draped the blanket over his knees and leaned the gun against bedrock, peering out into the night. A murmur drew his eyes into the cave.

He could see the two nightbloods, sharing an animal skin on the earthen floor.

“We won’t have enough food after tomorrow, Clarke,” Madi whispered. “I could go out while it’s still misty and at least get some nuts,” she pleaded, wanting so badly to be helpful.

“You’re not going out alone, and we can’t have multiple people outside. We’ll just ration what’s left. The scouts won’t stay forever.” Clarke tucked Madi in a little tighter. “Okay. What do you want to hear tonight, mi nochtbleeda?”

“Mount Weather… when you and Bell decide.”

Clarke’s eyes narrowed, wishing Madi hadn’t said his name so loud. But she sighed and propped her head up with her hand.

“The control room was very cold. Almost as cold as this floor! And Bellamy would NOT stop pacing, wondering where our friends had been taken….....” Clarke watched as Madi’s eyelids grew heavy and finally fell shut before the tale reached its end.

“And his huge hand covered mine, and we finally flipped the switch. Together.” Clarke turned over and yawned with a squeak. She tried to make her head comfortable for sleeping, fluffing the scrap of rabbit fur she used as a pillow. She glanced up as she put her head down. From across the large room, Bellamy was staring unashamedly at her in the moonlight. Her mouth opened a little, realizing he’d probably heard most of her bedtime story. His eyes were tinged with something she hadn’t seen in quite some time: fondness.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Eighteen days had passed.

The scouts had located tire tracks from the rover. They followed them all over the habitable zone, getting dangerously close to where the rocket lay hidden in a thicket.

Bellamy and Clarke decided to attempt a diversion at about midday. The plan was simple – light a fire in the quadrant closest to the prisoner ship and then go back to the cave via the stream. Traveling through water would cover their tracks, and the smoke from the fire would attract the scouts (and hopefully entice them to go home and report their findings.)

The duo did just that, and in record time. With the fire smoldering behind them, they sloshed quietly through the water, their boots tied to their belts.

At one point, Clarke’s small toes slipped on a mossy rock. She put both arms out to lessen her fall, but one of Bellamy’s hands wrapped around her forearm while the other opened wide to steady the small of her back. He held on a moment longer, making sure she was stable as the sun warmed their hair. He released her forearm quickly, but the hand on her back tugged on her shirt as it slid down and eventually off of her. She mouthed “thanks” to him as they continued upstream.

As they neared the cave, they heard a moan high above on the ridge. Bellamy and Clarke looked at each other, knowing an investigation was imminent. They laced up their boots hurriedly and scaled the ridge in no time. Bellamy noticed the foliage was thinner and less robust in this area. Almost at once, they spotted the source of the moans.

A man, obviously a scout, had fallen forward over a large rock. One arm was crumpled beneath him, and his cries were painful to hear. Bellamy and Clarke approached cautiously, fearing it was a trap. But Clarke saw the blood first, and her suspicions evaporated. She announced their presence and gingerly turned him over with Bellamy’s help.

Clarke’s countenance grew cloudy. She could see the reason for his pain. His limbs were covered in open sores, and his face was gray and splotchy. His lips were severely chapped, and it was obvious he’d been coughing up blood. The poor man looked up at her in fright and agony.

She turned away and whispered into Bellamy’s ear. “We’re really close to the radiation line. Maybe a mile. He must have gotten lost and stumbled into it. I’ve seen animals at this stage. He probably has three hours, but the last two are mostly hemorrhaging.” Clarke looked at her feet, closing her eyes and shaking her head to herself.

Bellamy didn’t know what to say. Something he hadn’t thought of until now was that death had been mercifully absent in his life for six years. He hadn’t killed anything, and he hadn’t watched anything die. It was a grace period that he was just now realizing. The sight of this dying stranger had frozen him. It brought back to vivid life all the hypothetical situations he’d imagined for Clarke… how she must have perished when they left. Except she didn’t die. She was standing right there drenched in sunbeams.

Clarke turned toward the man again, gripping the knife at her waist. She crouched down to the man’s level as a low moan escaped him.

“I know you’re in pain, and it’s going to get a lot worse. Could I do something? To… to help?”

Bellamy felt like he’d been ripped through time and space. He was back seven years ago in the clearing with Atom, staring at the boy he couldn’t kill.

Clarke unsheathed the blade and held it up so the scout could see. He shook his head vigorously, obviously opposed to being euthanized in that fashion. Putting the knife back, she stood again and plucked the pistol from Bellamy’s belt.

It glinted brightly as she turned to show the man, raising her eyebrows in a silent question. The man shook his head once and closed his eyes, tears squeezing out the sides. More moaning. Clarke sighed audibly, and Bellamy’s hand grazed hers as he pulled the gun from her small fingers. He watched her with parted lips, marveling that this woman was the same girl he had mourned.

She glanced around at the bushes for other solutions, but the only viable option loomed invisible in front of her. With another sharp sigh, she knelt on the forest floor and put a hand on the man’s clammy chest.

Searching his eyes, she found the words. “Do you want me to cut off your air flow?” Bellamy watched as the man found strength to take her hand and grip it, somehow answering “yes”. He couldn’t stop himself – Bellamy knelt on the man’s opposite side, watching Clarke all the while.

“You’ll want to fight me, but don’t. Just close your eyes and think of the happiest memory you can. Go to that place or to those people, and soon, that’s where you’ll always be.” Clarke finished with a raspy voice, her eyes welling up. Her small hands – such tiny hands, thought Bellamy – pinched the man’s nose shut and covered his mouth tightly.

“Shhhhh,” she breathed, feeling his body tense up. “Shhhhh, go to your place. Go to the light. Your fight is over. It’s over soon,” she whispered as he writhed a bit beneath her fingers, fighting to stay with the pain.

But after a final moan came from his chest, the man ceased to move, and Clarke’s hands slid from his face. Her eyes were glassy, and they rose to meet Bellamy’s. A bird sung a few miles away, and they sat sharing the stillness, knees in the moss, dead man between them, on earth, together.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Thirty days had passed.

After undercover missions, debates, summits, and pacts, an agreement was finalized with the Eligius Corporation. Eligius could mine beyond the radiation line, but the habitable zone was to be left untouched. The green patch was their only hope, and it was to remain intact. In return, Clarke and Madi would submit to nightblood sampling so that all humans could have access to the solution if they desired.

All Ark dwellers, nightbloods, and prisoners aboard the Eligius ship were to have immunity. Once excavated, the bunker inhabitants would also have equal rights.

They were welcomed aboard the prisoner ship-turned-housing complex. Clarke watched as Bellamy walked with Madi ahead of her, explaining what every colored light meant when it flashed. She eventually selected the perfect room for Clarke and her.

“I’ll let you two get settled in,” he said with a knowing wink at Clarke. She watched as he swayed down the hall with his backpack.

Hours later when Madi had succumbed to sleep, Clarke slipped out of their cell and walked up and down, up and down the rows. On the fifth and highest floor, she found Bellamy laying on his back, large bicep propping up his head.

“Hey…” she said sheepishly.

He startled a little, sitting up from his relaxed position. “When we were up there (he glanced toward space), I’d know when people were coming. I’m not used to not having the airlocks.”

“I’m not used to… people,” Clarke said with a small smile. Bellamy let out a breath through his nose and rose from his cot.

“I found something. Come on,” Bellamy said over his broad shoulder as he turned left out of his cell. Clarke peered after him curiously, waiting a beat before padding after him.

Two staircases and one “Keep Out” sign later, they were standing on the observation deck of the whole Eligius ship. Several stories high, they could see how small the green patch truly was next to the ashy grayness of the radiated earth.

“MMmm,” Clarke hummed as she looked down. “Haven’t had this perspective in a while.”

Bellamy’s eyes were combing the night sky. “Neither have I.”

They stood silently with their hands on the metal railing, analyzing their surroundings like the leaders they’d always been. Bellamy inhaled deeply, scratching his beard with his longest two fingers. Clarke’s eyes crinkled up at the sound.

“Have you had that long?” she asked innocently.

His lips did a funny thing, pursing and then turning down at one corner. “Yeah.”

A long, fidgety moment.

“When did ya…” He motioned to the length of her hair.

“Ah. A bit ago. Three years? Yeah. Three or four,” she concluded, and he nodded slowly.

More weird silence.

"Madi..." he mused. "She's really something."

Clarke grinned, blinking a lot and looking down with pleasure.

"Yeah - Pretty impressive for what she's been through," but her face lost the proud glow. "What she's seen..."

Bellamy bit his lip and nodded studiously, admiring the weight of Clarke's forced motherhood.

"I'm sure you had nothing to do with it," he slipped in. She glanced over, unable to read the sarcasm. They'd even forgotten how to be funny with each other.

"I meant - I mean, you raised her. She's got 'Clarke' written all over her," he recovered, trying to end it positively. "She's wonderful."

The last part made Clarke blush, but the low light was her friend and hid it.

She nervously pulled her shirt down and accidentally brushed one of his knuckles with her other hand, balling her fist up and pulling it to her body.

He sighed, first letting the breath out loudly and then rasping it in his throat.

“I almost stayed.”

She rumpled her eyebrows in confusion, looking over and up at him to show her lack of understanding.

He fiddled with a bolt on the railing and shifted his stance, biting the inside of his bottom lip.

“Six years ago. I almost stayed,” he said quietly. “With you.”

Her eyebrows were still furrowed. “You would have died. You would have been incinerated….” she trailed off.

He looked into her eyes now, searching each of them with an uneasy gaze. “It would have been less painful,” he admitted.

Her lips parted a little as she received the words. Clarke looked down, finding it difficult to swallow.

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t. Stay, I mean. I’m…. I’m glad you left,” she stated, but Bellamy could tell the words weren’t easy to say. “I mean… if you had stayed, I would have survived this whole time for nothing. I would have lived six years, that rocket would have come back, and you wouldn’t have been on it.” She was thinking out loud.

“Nothing?” Bellamy asked lightly. The look she gave him asked why he was challenging her.

So Bellamy obliged her. “You said ‘nothing’. Like you living wasn’t important. Like finding Madi didn’t matter. Your friends didn’t matter…” he trailed off hoping she’d interject, but she didn’t.

“I love Madi. She kept me sane. She – she taught me how to be patient.”

Bellamy made a sound of agreement. “Kids test your patience.” He shook his head. “Don’t know how many times I almost strangled Octavia.”

“She was a handful sometimes. But - that’s not why I had to be patient.” Clarke looked away from him, staring out over the land to disconnect a little before diving back in.

“I had to check off the days until ... you came back. Because I knew you would… at some point... I knew you'd come back,” she whispered, eyes glassing up again.

Bellamy watched her intently, debating if honesty was really the best policy.

“I felt the same way. Back then.” He paused and looked at her. “That I couldn’t lose you.”

She daringly caught his gaze. “And now?”

His eyes darkened and he crossed his arms over his chest. “I DID lose you," he said, bewildered. "So now, I don’t know what to feel. Especially because you’re standing here, alive, asking me questions. Asking me how I feel about it.”

"How you feel about -"

He cut her off. "That this whole time, you were trying NOT to forget me. And that this WHOLE time, I was doing EVERYTHING I could to forget about YOU."

He gripped the railing again and it creaked, revealing his agitation. She watched his arms strain against the confines of his shirt.

“Well, then… it’s not me,” she rationalized. He pursed his lips. Something she didn't realized she missed.

“Whoever is standing here with you isn’t who you lost. If you've forgotten the Clarke from the dropship... from Arkadia... from Mount Weather and Polis... that's fine," she paused, looking right at him no matter how uncomfortable it was. "Because I'm not her."

His mouth was slightly parted now. Those eyes... his stomach was turning just looking into those blue eyes for the first time in forever.

"But I miss her." He hung his head low and rubbed the back of his neck.

"I miss you too! I mean - I miss who you were," she shook her head and smiled a little. "You were so mad," she chuckled. "SO mad, all the time!"

Bellamy let out a breath, pretending to be offended. But he absorbed her smile. That bright, infectious smile of hers, and he smiled a little too.

"I told you once that forgiveness is hard for me. It still is. But now... I'm trying to forgive myself," he turned to her, wanting to reach out for her hand. He couldn't. Not yet.

"I shouldn't have given up on you, Clarke. You had no idea if we ever even made it back to the Ark. But you still radioed. I should have had that kinda faith," he finished, eyes down in shame.

"Truly forgiving someone means you're giving up the hope that the past can be changed. Because it can't. It happened, Bellamy. And now we need to forgive ourselves... and each other."

He stared at her knowingly, mustache twitching every so often.

She became aware of how physically close they'd gotten. How much larger his neck was. How fricking handsome he'd become.

"You told me to use my head. Right now, my head's telling me to just start over."

"With me?"

"...With us."

She leaned out to make room for her right hand, which she extended into the few inches between them.

“I’m Clarke. Nice to meet you." She tried to conceal the smile tugging at her lip corners.

He peered down at her fingers, satin-soft and shaking a little under the lamp on the observation deck. He wanted to play along. He wanted to take her up on this offer. He wanted… to touch her. Instead of reaching for a formal handshake, Bellamy extended his own right hand and squeezed her fingers between his own.

“Bellamy. Pleasure’s all mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Please continue on for a much more satisfying second/final chapter!!


	2. The Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Many of you really liked the first chapter. I changed the ending a bit and added a second, much more satisfying second/final chapter. Hope you enjoy!!

Madi groaned the next morning as she slipped awake.

“Why is everyone so louuuudd?” she spoke into her pillow.

“They’re actually pretty quiet. You’re just not used to having so many people around,” Clarke whispered with a tender smile. “I overheard someone say we’re welcome at breakfast with the junior cadets. How do pancakes sound?”

More gravely groaning.

“What’s a pon-cake?”

Clarke snorted, carding through the short pieces hanging over the preteen’s bleary eyes. She ducked down to bump Madi’s forehead with her own.

“A PAN-cake is… well… you’re about to find out,” Clarke said as she pulled a typical mom-move and turned on the overhead lights.

“CLAAAARKE!!” Madi covered her eyes.

"What’s up with you this morning?” Madi rasped as she slowly rolled out of bed. She watched from behind as Clarke set a chair in front of the mirror and started braiding a small section of her blonde waves.

“I dunno,” Clarke shrugged. She looked into her own eyes in the mirror. “Things are gonna be different from now on.”

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Madi’s mouth watered as they descended the stairs. The smell of breakfast wafted up her nostrils.

“Whoa. It smells even better than wildflowers.”

“Daba u plata!”

Madi didn’t need to be told twice. She grabbed a plate and forked three giant pancakes onto it. After making their way through the buffet, they found a free table on the outskirts of the dining hall.

“This is so weird. All this food, just laying around,” she munched. “I’m never hunting again!” Madi exclaimed with mouthful.

Clarke raised an eyebrow and made a mental note to make her go mushroom-hunting this afternoon. This ship wasn’t going to spoil her.

“They finally fried more bacon,” said a voice over Clarke’s shoulder. Madi looked up and grinned at whoever it was. But when Clarke turned to look, they were gone. She turned back around to see Madi and Bellamy sitting across from her looking way too mischievous. Clarke feigned annoyance and defiantly plucked a bacon strip from Bellamy’s plate.

“Thanks for letting us know,” she said playfully.

“Yeah. Thanks, Bell!” Madi laughed as she took the other two pieces, leaving Bellamy an empty plate. He clicked his tongue.

“This is the thanks I get.” Madi laughed out loud and chomped down on the meat, letting out guttural noises of pleasure. Clarke could see his brown eyes sparkling. She was almost jealous of how much Madi liked him.

“Well, I’ll leave you to it,” Bellamy said, standing and getting his legs out from under the bench.

“Aw, stay longer!” Madi whined in between bites.

Bellamy raised his eyebrow at her, snatching the dirtied bacon plate. “If I stay too long, you’ll get sick of me.”

Madi made a face at Clarke that Bellamy didn’t see, and Clarke responded with a raised eyebrow of her own. Clarke turned as he walked past the table.

“You going to see Mitchell?”

He nodded.

“See ya up there.”

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

The rest of the week was filled with meeting after meeting. Part of the Eligius agreement was that Bellamy and the Ark crew reveal some of the technology behind their rocket software. Clarke was badgered with questions about the vegetation on the green patch. She barely saw Bellamy except in passing.

By the end of each day, Clarke was more tired than hungry. She’d go back to their room, wash, and be in bed before Madi returned for the night. On the fourth morning, she found an orange on the nightstand.

“Gratsa, nochtbleeda,” Clarke mumbled as she put on some socks.

“Oh… that wasn’t me. Bellamy told me to bring it from breakfast.”

Clarke smiled a little and finished lacing up her boots.

“I missed breakfast again? Sorry…” Clarke stood and put a hand on Madi’s shoulder. “I know I’ve been gone a lot. Grownups talk too much, don’t they?”

“Nah. I know you have important stuff to do. Bellamy said it should be a shorter day today though!” Madi said, sitting cross-legged on her bed.

“Oh. Do – do you always see him at breakfast?”

“Well yeah. Sometimes Raven and Monty too. We sit together! Bell’s not mad though. I told him you were still sleeping.”

Clarke zipped her jacket and walked over to look in the mirror.

“Well, since you see him more than I do,” she paused and gave Madi a teasing look, “Tell him thanks for the orange.”

Madi chuckled and bounced off her bed. “I’m only telling him ‘thanks’ if you actually eat it. He said I had to MAKE you eat it because he wasn’t gonna lose you again.” She picked up the orange and shoved it into Clarke’s hand as she walked out the door.

Clarke stared at the empty door, orange in hand.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

The day was indeed shorter. A cadet brought Clarke a note from Madi mid-afternoon.

> Hir-itsu, Clarke kom Cave-Kru –
> 
> Remember when I starting calling us Cave-Kru when I was little? Anyway, I made friends with one of the generals. All of the prisoner kids were born in space, and General Kanchen wants me to serve as a guide on a green patch exploration! Show them what nuts are poisonous and other easy stuff. I won’t be home tonight.
> 
> Madi kom Cave-Kru
> 
> P.S. Diga “hello” u Bellamy! Tanna de nonchu.

Clarke rolled her eyes. _Next she’s going to be dating and smoking cigarettes_ , she joked to herself.

Clarke made a beeline for her room, kicking off one boot and ripping off clothes before the second boot hit the floor. Eligius was gracious in providing clothing, but it was scratchy and smelled like detergent. Her velvety tank top and patched trousers had been washed in the lake too many times to count. The softness of the worn fabric was therapy.

She glanced at her bed, and then at Madi’s. The thought of curling up and sleeping sounded lovely, but it’s possible she could see Madi’s exploration group from the observation deck. She padded down the hallway barefoot, scaling the stairs silently. She could hear the din of the ship’s voices grow quieter the higher she climbed.

The door scraped open and slammed behind her, and Clarke was finally alone. The warm air and black night sky was an escape from the walls inside. The planet she’d grown used to didn’t have any walls – just wide open spaces. It was technically autumn, but the radiation made weather unpredictable. There was a week a few years ago when Madi and Clarke went swimming in the dead of February. (The lake froze the next day.)

Clarke stretched her arms high above her head and heard her back crack. Up onto her tiptoes, and her ankles cracked too. Her arms glided down to lean on the railing as she peered down into the trees. No sight of Madi’s little expedition.

There was a small sound behind her.

She glanced over and jumped. Bellamy was sitting on the ground behind the door with a bottle in his hand. He had been tapping his fingernail on the glass.

Clarke laughed, nervous and breathy, as she came down from her fright.

“Sorry. Didn’t know if I should say somethin’ or not.”

She sighed loud enough for him to hear and slid down the wall next to him.

“Will I ever get used to you again?” she mused, half to herself.

He held the bottle out for her to take.

“Who knows….,” he trailed off as she took a long swig and winced. After all, she hadn’t drank in years.

“Monty had a lot of free time and rigged that up.” He pulled one of his knees up and rested his arm on it. “Took the edge off on the bad days.”

She ran her fingers along the smoothness of the bottle and took another pull.

“…Were there a lot? Of bad days…?” She glanced over at him as she handed the bottle back.

He stared through the liquid into the night sky. “Too many to count.”

She nodded in solidarity and let her head drop back to rest on the wall. They watched the stars for a few minutes without speaking. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable this time, but Clarke didn’t feel right NOT talking to him.

“Madi’s gone all night. She –“

“Yeah, she asked if she could go. Or, if it was a good idea. I didn’t think you’d mind.” He looked over, a little scared she might feel like her authority was being intruded upon.

“All kids leave at some point. I’m glad she asked you.”

“Mmm. Mom’s first night alone. You gonna be okay?” He smiled and bumped her knee with his. She promptly shoved it away with a slightly harder bump.

Clarke was feeling that drink. Her tolerance was probably reset at this point, so she told herself not to have anymore. As if by magic, he shook the bottle to signal it was her turn. She brushed it away lightly.

“I shouldn’t.” Still resting on the wall, she rocked her head to look at him. “I’m a lightweight now.”

He was feeling the buzz too. Lucky for Clarke, she didn’t know how full the bottle had been when he came up here. Unlucky for Bellamy, his tolerance was plenty high after years of trying to forget the woman sitting next to him.

He let his own head drop onto the wall, looking back at her from a foot away.

It suddenly became too much for her, feeling so open with him that she might spill. She shook her head a little and crunched her eyes shut to clear them.

“I should go to bed.” She moved to stand.

“Please don’t,” he whispered in a husky voice. The way her stomach felt when he said it. It made her realize she really SHOULD go.

“There’s always tomorrow,” Clarke mumbled as she stood, resting a hand on the wall for balance. She wasn’t drunk, but whatever Monty made was pretty good.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” He said it under his breath, but she definitely heard.

“What?” She looked down at him indignantly.

He looked up at her for a stubborn moment and then slowly got up, eyes locked with hers the whole time. The bottle stayed on the ground.

“I said – I thought tomorrow was guaranteed too. But I learned, Clarke. You don’t know what’s gonna happen. Next day. Next HOUR. Up there, we did everything before we were ready because we HAD to.” He was equally angry and exhausted.

She walked to the railing and turned around.

“You want to fight? Let’s fight. Six years apart, and you want to waste time being angry.”

Bellamy put his hands on his hips. Silence.

“You said you did everything before you were ready. Are you really mad at me because I got left behind? Because you had to lose me before you were READY? God, Bellamy, it’s not my fault I didn’t go to space. It’s not my fault that you mourned me when you shouldn’t have. It is NOT my fault that I defied your expectations and actually LIVED.”

Her voice had grown louder with defiance and the haze of drinking. His face was set hard like stone. She took a moment to calm herself, and the next words came out slower, quieter, and more poignant.

“I’m not apologizing for becoming a nightblood because it allowed me to stay here and raise an orphan. And I sure as HELL am not apologizing for climbing that tower and making sure YOU got away safely.”

He strode two steps forward to meet her at the railing. She’d never been afraid of him, but she instinctively tried to back up and bumped up against the metal bars.

“I didn’t ask you to save me, and I don’t want an apology,” he said humbly, almost whispering the last part.

“Than what do you want!?”

Though it was dark, she could see his jaw clench as he leaned forward. She stood like a tiny statue in his shadow, not knowing if she should raise her arms for a hug or-

He dropped his head to one side, leaning into her cheek with a kiss. His lips felt so full and hot, just an inch or two from her mouth. His beard brushed her jaw, and she resisted the urge to nuzzle into his neck with her forehead. Instead, she placed a hand on the base of his throat to nudge him away.

“Bellamy, what -“

He leaned away a tad and reached his arms around her, pushing her head forward with a gentle hand. This time, he kissed her forehead. One long kiss, and then a short one. He closed his eyes and rested his chin on her forehead, forcing her face into the crook of his neck.

“Clarke, I know I shouldn’t,” he gushed.

Her hand was still on the base of his throat, and her fingers began to touch the skin there, kneading his collar.

“It’s not smart. I’m not using my head. I just – I can’t be around you,” he whispered. "I can’t – I can’t talk to you and not....”

He trailed off and squeezed her in the hug, not knowing how to say what he was feeling. With her face so close to his neck, she could feel his pulse. Without stopping to think, she kissed the spot where she felt his heart beating.

She could feel him tense ever so slightly, and his huge arms slid down her back to her waist. Suddenly and easily, he lifted her onto the top rail. Her arms left his neck and grabbed his forearms as he stood between her parted legs. He looked up into the worried face inches from his own.

“Bell, it’s hundreds of feet down,” she breathed quickly.

He leaned up and in, so close she could feel his breath on her lips. His eyes were lusty and determined.

“You know I won’t let you fall.”

She was gone, and he knew it. Bellamy kissed her hard, devouring her mouth. Licking at her tongue and moving down her neck to find her own pulse. Being above him gave her the advantage. Clarke leaned down on him, encouraging him to bite where his lips sucked. His hands had held her safely on the rail the whole time, but he wanted her, needed her closer.

He could hear her throat squeak as he pulled her down with one arm, sliding her softness down his body. He only let her toes brush the ground as his other hand snaked into her hair and pushed her deeper into his mouth. Finally off the ledge, Clarke let go of his forearms and wrapped her legs around his waist. He turned and walked the few feet to the wall, pinning her arms above her head as he sucked on her sweetness. He pressed his hips into hers as she sat on his waistline.

She broke from the kiss, leaving Bellamy panting hard into her hair. He let go of her arms, leaving them free to grip the nape of his neck and get a fistful of his glossy curls. He leaned back, searching her eyes with her legs still wrapped around him.  Then he pressed in to whisper right into her ear.

“I have always, always loved you,” he breathed heavily.

Clarke’s eyes filled with tears, and she scrambled to hold him as tight as possible with her short arms.

“Don’t you EVER leave me again,” she insisted, nails digging into his shoulder as she hugged him.

“Don’t fret,” as he kissed her ear lobe. “I’m not losing you twice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for taking the time to read.
> 
> Leave a comment/criticism if you like.... I LOVE READING THEM!
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> 
> Have a great, great day you gorgeous reader!


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